I am too through with this blatant foolishness
This dazed and confused bit
Of have-your-cake-and-eat-it-too shit
If you have such a "boyfriend",
then why are you always all up under ME?
Rubbing it in like Icy Hot
Sitting next to me at all my shows?
That's WIFEY'S spot!!
If all's fair in love and war,
then, soldier, state your mission
If all's fair in love and basketball,
then, player, are you a guard or a forward?
PLAY YOUR POSITION!!
And though the tone of this poem
may make it seem like it's you that I'm mad at
Really who I'm mad at is Drew
For keeping all my emotions on the shelf
past the expiration date
Then having the nerve to wonder how shit got spoiled
Mr. Surrogate Boyfriend for lack of a brain
Who battles in vain while Cupid's ass cackles away
I'm sick of being a victim
just because women are like Honey Smacks and I "Dig'em"
But Honey smacks of nonchalant indifference
due to her bitterness
And the cycle just continues
because Drew ignorantly lives with it
But no more
From now on, I refuse to play a role
unless my role is clear for sure
Because substitute teachers never win
the Teacher-of-the-Year Award.
So this poem represents me finally telling myself,
"Hey, tough guy,
Olive Oil wants Bluto
Not Popeye!
So next time you catch feelings,
throw them shits back at whoever threw them at you
And if it's that stupid Cupid who's doing it
Then instead of catching feelings, lil' daddy,
Throw a SHOE at that little cross-eyed,
crossbow-toting diaper dandy!!"
The Temptations sang of "My Girl"
But my temptation is "his girl"
But "his girl" becoming "my girl"?
Ain't no way in this world
So I need to put my attention
into something more fulfilling
Someone with whom I could be building
Not someone over whom I'm tripping
And no, you can't help who you're attracted to
But one thing you can help is your actions, Drew
You need to find someone who's a good match for you
So they can live in your heart instead of just passing through.
So from here on, your Surrogate duties are erased
Because her heart wouldn't need a bookmark
if it knew it's place
No more "showcase showdowns" like in "The Price Is Right"
'Cause I'm like Usher:
"I will be all riiiiiggghhhht toniiiiiggghhht!"
No more date-by-default
No more waiting by the phone
No more hating on his car
No more late nights alone
No more coldest winter ever;
I'd rather the summer
So no more Surrogate Boyfriend
"for lack of another"...
© 2002, Drew Anderson, all rights reserved.