Why do I like you?
I mean, it's not like you're a particularly nice person or anything.
You don't return phone calls and stuff.
You don't tip well at restaurants.
You have more nose hairs per capita than me which is not very
feminine on your part.
Oh yeah, and you don't floss.
You don't even know what "narcissistic" means.
Or how to spell it.
You don't even have the intellectual wherewithal to correctly answer
the $100 question on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?".
(Remind me not to make you one of my "life lines".)
Your favorite M&M color is yellow
which is really frigging stupid to have a favorite M&M color
because all M&M's taste the frigging same.
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
Hell, your MOTHER'S ugly and YOU dress HER funny!
Why do I LIKE you??
You don't FLOSS.
You can't dance, so I don't ask you.
You are not a particularly nice person.
Really, the least you could do is learn how to return phone calls.
And learn how to spell "narcissistic".
For Scrabble usage if nothing the hell else.
You are not what American Heritage would define as "appealing".
Your toothbrush is continuously hovered over by a ubiquitous cloud of
gnats.
I must have been drunk when I took your phone number.
And drunker when I dialed.
You don't even know the name of the bad guys G.I. Joe used to fight.
Hell, you don't even know the name of the bad guys the U.S. fights.
Oh yeah, the U.S. IS the bad guy.
But anyway, you don't even know what I mean by that.
You entertain long phone conversations with other guys
while I'm on the other line.
Hell, sometimes you entertain long phone conversations with other guys
while I'm sitting right next to you.
You blow up Hot Pockets in my microwave
and don't clean up the mess.
You blow up my bathroom
and don't clean up the mess.
You think you're bilingual
just because you understand Sean Paul's lyrics.
Due to your habitual gnaw-gnaw-gnawing,
your fingernails are negative three-quarters of an inch in length.
Thusly, your manicures equate to extensive surgery.
Oh look, your character is lacking.
Oh look, your scruples have loopholes.
Oh look, you consist of inconsistency.
You say you like my poetry,
but you also like Nelly.
Your compliments have no post-inflationary value.
You're a pigeon-toed
Knock-kneed
Bird-legged
Bowl-legged
Liver-lipped chicken strip.
You squeeze my toothpaste from the middle of the tube
and leave the cap off
so the hovering gnats
from your aforementioned ubiquitous toothbrush cloud
can get in.
In two words,
you SUCK.
(And not in that good Las Vegas way.)
WHY do I LIKE YOU?!
YOU are NOT a PARTICULARLY nice PERSON!
You DON'T return FRICKING PHONE CALLS,
and more to the POINT:
YOU DON'T FLOSS!!
Even after you hear this poem,
you probably still won't even bother to look up "narcissistic".
Your mirror is sick of looking at you.
You insist on eating at five-star restaurants
just to eat five bites of the most expensive thing on the menu.
No doggy bags.
Wouldn't be "classy".
Then you have the nerve to say I "tipped too much".
You cried through the season finale of "Joe Millionaire",
but said "Lord of the Rings" was "dumb" and "too
long".
You litter right next to trash cans.
You spit in public.
You spit in PRIVATE.
You get the newspaper just for the horoscope,
and throw the rest away.
Shit, at least RECYCLE!!
You make shady side deals to win Monopoly games
and made even shadier side deals to win my heart.
You voted for Bush just because he was "anti-abortion",
not realizing his dumb ass probably can't even SPELL "anti-abortion",
just like YOUR dumb ass can't even spell "NARCISSISTIC"!!
YOU ARE NOT A PARTICULARLY NICE FUCKING PERSON!!!
YOU DO NOT RETURN FUCKING PHONE CALLS!!!
WHY do I like you?!
WHY DO I LIKE YOU?!?!
You know what?
YOU KNOW WHAT?!?!
I DON'T like you!!
IIIIIIIIIII
DOOOOOOOOOON'T
LIIIIIIIIIIKE
YOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!
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...I...
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...I love you..
"I don't know why I love you.." - Ivy
© 2003, Drew Anderson, all rights reserved.