WARNING: If you have not seen the film Get Out, you probably shouldn’t read this. For one, it contains MAJOR SPOILERS. For two, if you haven’t seen Get Out, you probably won’t get it.

If #GetOut Were Directed by . . .

MICHEL GONDRY ~ It would have starred Yasiin Bey aka Mos Def, who would not be able to appear because he would be denied entry into the United States during production. Thus, it would star Donald Glover aka Childish Gambino. It would have been more abstract and light-hearted, costing even less but taking twice as long to produce because the special effects would be replaced by practical effects.

SPIKE JONZE ~ Catherine Keener would be reprising her role from Being John Malkovitch in this dark sequel entitled Being Jerome Washington.

MICHAEL BAY ~ It would have had a lot more action and a lot less substance. And the white girl would have been played by Megan Fox, who would survive for five sequels.

PETER JACKSON ~ It would have been an hour longer and ended with Rod jumping in front of Chris to save him from old girl’s bullet. In slow motion. While Emiliana Torrini sang an elvish dirge.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN ~ It would look and feel rather similar, but all the black folk would die. Then Chris would wake up to find it was all a dream . . . OR WAS IT???

MARTIN SCORSESE ~ The father would be played by Robert Deniro and the son played by Leonardo DiCaprio, who would win the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor for the role. In his acceptance speech, he would tearfully declare how difficult it was to say the word “nigger” in the film (which his character would say a total of 41 times as a “shot out” commemorating how many times Amadou Diallo was shot by police). He would then go into a touching speech about global warming, ignoring the music cuing him offstage.

(Just kidding. Scorsese would never do a movie about niggers.)

QUENTIN TARANTINO ~ The word “nigga” would be said 1000 times, mostly by Dr. Dean, played by Tarantino himself, and Walter, played by Samuel L. Jackson. Chris would free all the niggas from mind control by feeding them fried chicken, watermelon, and Kool-Aid. Except for Walter, who would be beyond saving because he had volunteered to have his body hijacked out of loyalty and love for the Armitage clan. In the end, Chris and the free niggas would kill all the white people with highly-stylized, gratuitously bloody, and rather culturally misplaced kung fu. They would celebrate by doing the electric slide to the tune of James Brown’s “Say It Loud (I’m Black And I’m Proud)”. Except for Walter, who would fight to avenge the white people in the sequel: Kill Niggas, Pt. 2.

SPIKE LEE ~ The film would be called Wake Up. The score would be jazz, produced by Terence Blanchard and played nonstop throughout the entire film. Rod would be played by Spike Lee. When Chris was being hypnotized, his chair would seem to move toward the camera while the background remained stationary (also known as “The Spike Lee Shot”). Chris would free himself from hypnosis by focusing a dramatic medley of images from Spike Lee films (particularly Malcolm X and Bamboozled). The audio for the medley would feature Terence Blanchard going nuts on the trumpet as well as key lines from Spike Lee films including:

“We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on us!” (Malcolm X)

“It incenses me that our own people don’t realize our own heritage, our own culture . . ” (Mo’ Beta Blues)

And from School Daze:

“Are you black?”, “You’re just a wannabe . . . You’re just a jiggaboo . . “, “You’re not niggas,” and, of course: “WAAAAKE UUUUUUPPPP!”

After the credits, the iconic 40 Acres & A Mule graphic would be displayed, but instead of “By Any Means Necessary”, it would read: “Don’t be fuckin’ with them white girls. Ya dig. Sho ’nuff.”

TYLER PERRY ~ It would have been called Madea Goes To The ‘Burbs. Madea would replace Chris as the protagonist, having gotten lost while driving and stuck at the Armitage residence because her car broke down. There would be no need for Rod’s character because all of the one-smart-black-person-in-the-horror-film schtick would be overtaken (and horrendously overplayed) by Madea. Madea would be impervious to Missy’s hypnosis due to her mutant power: her stereotypical old black woman attitude. Most of the “comedy” would center around Madea squaring off with Georgina about how “these crazy white folks done got into her head” until Madea finally freed Georgina from mind control by smacking the shit out of her; something she would have to periodically repeat in the course of their dramatic escape. The ultimate lesson would be that you can escape anything through faith in the “Lort” and a well-placed bitch-slap.

JAMES BALDWIN ~ If James Baldwin had directed this film, it would be a fearless, poignant, painfully poetic, beautifully ugly creative treatise on where we are and where we are not with race in America.

In other words, it would have been just as it is. Which is why I loved this film.

(But for real, had Baldwin done it, white cops probably would have shot Chris at the end. James Baldwin wasn’t here for our happy endings.)

(P.S. If you enjoyed this, look out for my M. Night Shyalaman version of #GetOut ! http://www.brokeballer.com/if-m-night-shyalaman-had-directed-get-out/ )